Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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