Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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