I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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