he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
