Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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