When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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