Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
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