we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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