I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
