your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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