I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize