chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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