Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
