Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
