Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
