I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
