I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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