I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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