brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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