just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
