I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
the day after is always just damage control
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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