I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
