Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
