Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize