so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
