Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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