Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
