dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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