Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
