Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
