i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Randomize
