What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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