I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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