you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
