All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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