for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
