is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
