the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Randomize
