I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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