my phone needs a breathalizer
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
