Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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