Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
