Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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