That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize