wanna go halves on a baby?
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
two words: eviction party
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
