She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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