Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
