I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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