I think I died a long time ago.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
