I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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