i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
