So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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