mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
