Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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