I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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