I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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