We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
