just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
