it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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